Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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