I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
i drank out of a bidet.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize
