I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
