yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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