How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
