I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
