i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
there was a trapeze. enough said
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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