i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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