He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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