Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
