You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
