It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
