God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
