btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
