i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
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