fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
