it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I just cut my nipple shaving
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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