I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
So apparently I’m into choking now
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