I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
