the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
