I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
