Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
