thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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