your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
