We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
