i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
