dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
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