Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Randomize
