i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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