and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
drinking out of a sandbucket again
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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