I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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