the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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