ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
