Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
