Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
