i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
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The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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