was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
