i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
thus making me awesome and them whores
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
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