i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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