just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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