How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
