we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
you didnt know i had herpes?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
