dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Randomize
