I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
