i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
