Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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