Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
