My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
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