this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize