Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
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we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
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Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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