so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
