So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Let's paint friendship bongs
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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