I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
