WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
