Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
