Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
