k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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