so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
