the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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