After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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