y did u give ur computer a hand job?
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
